I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
