with your own penis?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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