walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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