I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize