in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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