did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize