I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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