HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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