Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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