I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
