is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
zippers are such a cool invention
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
