I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
