I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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