New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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