By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
