I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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