She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
