My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there's paper in my vomit.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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