i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
