Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
