It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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