meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
