Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can you bring me the toilet please
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
