But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
