I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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