Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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