i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he fucked my hip out of place.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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