We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
