I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
