Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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