You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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