She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
