we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
