I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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