I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
