How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
