i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Less talking, more tequila
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
