Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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