I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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