just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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