I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
