Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
