I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
