did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
