she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize