The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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