Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
