I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
