she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
