tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
