And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
