I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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