why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
