I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
