She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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