I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We left an ass print on the piano.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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