The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
