i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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